I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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