I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
