I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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