Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize