i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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