I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
