It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
