The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
