just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
