Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
40s are totally the cure
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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