Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
