for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
