i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
