So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize