first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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