I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
