Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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