oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
