Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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