Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
