I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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