so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize