All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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