Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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