I hope mine doesn't look like that
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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