and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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