I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize