If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
