also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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