yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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