I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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