Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
