Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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