i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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