the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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