All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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