I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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