after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize