well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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