like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
