I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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