you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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