ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
