I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
