Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
