You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
