I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
