i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
