If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
