Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
