i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
