I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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