I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
