Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Boobs are out for the taking
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
