i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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