i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
