i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
All I want is dick and wine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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