why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
