Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He better not be in your backpack
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
