my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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