I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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